I Just Unfriended My Friend

I Just Unfriended My Friend

April 7, 2014

“My child, don’t lose sight of common sense and discernment. Hang on to them for they will refresh your soul.” Proverbs 3:21-22a (NLT)

“Women are ridiculous,” I said to my husband as I crawled into bed, tears dripping. He gave me an agreeable stare, since he had no words to console my aching heart.

I’d just learned a friend lied to me. It was about something senseless, which just made it worse. As the hours ticked by, I wrestled through troubling thoughts.

Why would she lie about THAT?

Were we ever really friends?

The combination of hurt and middle-of-the-night thinking was toxic, forming a very self-centered attitude in me. I decided I no longer had room in my life to deal with someone who had lied to me. So in my heart, I just unfriended this friend.

I have other people I can be friends with, I thought as I drifted off to sleep.

The next morning I realized how my emotions had distorted my perceptions. It concerned me how quickly I was willing to write off this friend, since we had been through a lot together. And I really did value our relationship.

So I pondered the emotions swirling in my heart.

In our cyber culture today, it’s easy to sit behind computer screens and smartphones while we reject the reality of many things, including friendships.

My profile on Facebook says I have 900 “friends.” Social media convinces me I have hundreds of people in my corner. But in reality, I don’t have 900 friends I could call in the midst of a crisis or even go meet for a cup of coffee.

And that “unfriend” button is mighty tempting when someone hurts me. But the truth is, ending a relationship is much more complex than the way social media convinces me it can happen — as easily as clicking an icon.

Social media is a relational tool, but it’s not a relational reality.

More than ever, I need to see my friendships through the lens of reality, and this verse helps me do this: “My child, don’t lose sight of common sense and discernment. Hang on to them for they will refresh your soul,” (Proverbs 3:21-22a).

God has given us two trustworthy filters to help us see things as what they really are: common sense and discernment.

In this situation with my friend, common sense, reminded me: You don’t really have 900 friends, but you do have one or two people you can really count on. And you need to cultivate those relationships through good times and bad.

When I wanted to reject our relationship because I was hurt, discernment said: Your friend is human. At the core of her heart she cares about you and didn’t mean to hurt you.

We will always be susceptible to flawed perceptions in our friendships. But when we hang on to the realities God offers us through common sense and discernment I believe we will be much wiser with our perceptions.

Using God’s Word as my filter, rather than my emotions, allowed me to work through the hurtful issue with my friend. That experience made me a more compassionate friend and it strengthened our friendship, so that when I mess up (and I’m sure I will), hopefully she’ll forgive me.

God, we are so grateful for Your gifts of common sense and discernment. Give us the grace to use these filters when things get foggy. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Related Resources:
A Confident Heart by Renee Swope can help you process confusing emotions that might be caused by doubt.

Visit Nicki Koziarz’s blog today for a friendship giveaway!

Reflect and Respond:
Is there a friendship God might want to restore because one or both of you had a flawed perception about what was happening? Maybe today you could reach out to that person and begin the process of healing.

Friendships thrive when we cultivate them. Invite a friend to meet you for some meaningful connecting time, this week or next.

Power Verses:
1 Corinthians 13:12, “We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!” (MSG)

1 John 3:2, “But friends, that’s exactly who we are: children of God. And that’s only the beginning. Who knows how we’ll end up! What we know is that when Christ is openly revealed, we’ll see him — and in seeing him, become like him.” (MSG)

© 2014 by Nicki Koziarz. All rights reserved.

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  1. Angela Thiel says:

    I read you daily. This absolutely made no sense to me! A lie is not an emotion but an act and if a friend feels the need to lie to me then I can not consider the friendship of anymore value than social media.

    • Nicki Koziarz says:

      Hi Angela,

      Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts today. I’m sorry this didn’t make sense to you. The reason I tied social media into it was to help us understand how we view the ending of relationships these days. It’s not as simple as clicking an “unfriend” button on Facebook but I really believe social media tries to convince us its that easy. I hope you have a beautiful day. 🙂 Blessings.

      • Monique says:

        Thank You Nicki for sharing! I would like to add if I may that though lying is an action word as Angela mentioned I would think that the act of lying could not come into play without emotions, how else could someone find themselves in the position of thinking they need to lie. I found your following statement Nicki to be a great reminder for us all.
        “We will always be susceptible to flawed perceptions in our friendships. But when we hang on to the realities God offers us through common sense and discernment I believe we will be much wiser with our perceptions”.
        Reminding myself that I am quite fallible and that fear if I let it, no matter how unrealistic the fear is that is fogging up my perception of a situation or a conversation; I have one true friend that is always able to lead me through His defogging process. 🙂

        • It is with a grateful heart I applaud GOD’s direction in your narrative. Mine was with a friend that had been like family, a father. Thank You for listening to GOD

    • My friendship with Ron Smith has never had any roblems whatsoever. Before we even knew we’d be eventually getting married, we had a very strong bond with one another. I ♥ how w…e’re always working on doing fun things with one another. y child, don’t lose sight of common sense and discernment. Hang on to them for they will refresh your soul.” Proverbs 3:21-22a (NLT)
      I ♥ what this verse is saying. We need to hang on to what His word says at all times. I love how God wants to show us the things He’d like us to do to help our friends, allowing our friendships to grow.
      “Hang on to them for they will refresh your soul,” (Proverbs 3:21-22a).
      I think hat this particular verse is asking us to hag on to the friendships that we have. Friends can refresh us whenever we may be going through difficult times at any point throughout our lives. Friends ee us as we are, and they don’t judge us unreasonably.
      “God, we are so grateful for Your gifts of common sense and discernment. Give us the grace to use these filters when things get foggy. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.”~Nicki Kozierz
      I ♥ how God can show us how to be able to tell wh
      en there is a situation that we may be unable to fix in our friendships. Naturally, friends make the way of life more enjoyablebecause there’s always someone who you get along quite well with at some point during the course of your lifetime. 1 Corinthians 13:12, “We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!” (MSG)
      Before coming to Chrit or lives are full of fog. Thgsdon’t appear clearto us whatsoever during this point of life. Nevertheless, coming to now God helps us see things more clearly than we once did.
      1 John 3:2, “But friends, that’s exactly who we are: children of God. And that’s only the beginning. Who knows how we’ll end up! What we know is that when Christ is openly revealed, we’ll see him — and in seeing him, become like him.” (MSG)
      Over tim, we’ll eventually be like God. I ♥ how God an help us to see things in our fiendships thaur friends may noce whatsoever. Our friends are like bright rays of hope whenevy b feeling down. They provide a wonderful source of encouragement at all times.

    • Did God ever forgive any or your “lies?” We are commanded to love one another as God loves us……that means forgiveness even for the difficult things. We all are flawed and we will all hurt someone. So much pain in this world – why not give a little grace and mercy even when someone doesn’t deserve it. It will make YOU a better person.

  2. Jacqueline says:

    I can relate to Nicki’s post. I thought that as I got older friendships would be easier; but I’ve had a few surprises. A person that I have known for 20 years has decided in the past year that she needs to compete with everything I do. I ignored it for months (my error) and when it boiled over it boiled big. I’m still struggling with whether to let the friendship go or fight for it. We only have a meal or coffee every 2 or 3 months now – and even with that infrequent contact she finds a way to be insulting or snipe. I don’t have a clear answer yet as to whether to stay or go. Admittedly, I need to seek The Lord more than I have about the situation.

    • Jacqueline, yes, do seek the Lord on this one. Instead of focusing on what she has done, ask yourself why she is doing it. Perhaps your friend is struggling with envy, insecurity, or discontent with some aspect of her own life. She is showing a symptom of some kind. Rather than treating the symptom with the quick fix of abandoning the relationship, discover the disease of the soul that is being manifest by her behavior. How? First of all, by praying for her and for her healing. God can do amazing things in the lives of ailing sisters in Christ. Give her grace and show her love and perhaps the door will open for you to understand what’s going on. Then just maybe you could even be a channel of blessing and help to this friend after you have lovingly earned the right to confront her. It may be that you will have to let this friendship go if it becomes too toxic for you to handle, but on the other hand, this may be a challenge allowed by God to grow you into a more understanding and mature woman, courtesy of James 1:2-5.

    • Nicki Koziarz says:

      Hi Jaqueline, I’m sorry you have been hurt this way. It sounds like a complicated and hard situation. I just wanted you to know I’m praying for you now…may God clearly show you which way to turn. Blessings.

  3. But discernment. And choosing Godly companions. An acquaintance could (perhaps) slide with a lie, my friends, true friends are too few to be dishonest.

    • Michelle says:

      Agree with you Jen. Maybe not an “unfriend” event, but definitely would have me discern adding them to a different social media “security group”.

      • Michelle says:

        Trust can be rebuilt, but it must be rebuilt. Sin and forgiveness of it do not negate that rebuilding.

  4. Sin has the letter I in the middle. Let those of you with no sin cast the firs6 stone. Our emotions tell us I is the one hurt and justified. We need to take ownership of our part…overreacting as this article states is foolish…we should seek Gods wisdom.take time to reflect and pray first…..We are ALL guilty of lies at some stage…we all have hurt others……I recently walked away from a 20 year friendship as this was my friends choice…..Im at peace…what I do know is emotions and self centredness causes this

  5. I also disagree with this. 900 ‘friends’??? We are so addicted to social media as a society, that I don’t see a problem with deleting people who add stress or discontent to something that should be an enjoyable part of your day, not stressful. About a year ad a half ago I deleted my Facebook account and wouldn’t reactivating until I felt I had cleared all the people from it who did not bring positivity to me. Best move. I can actually enjoy Facebook now and have connected with people I truly care about more because I don’t see 900 people in my newsfeed. And I’m not afraid to delete people or hide them if they do cause discontent.

    • Jocelyn,

      I don’t think she stalking about deleting a Facebook account but rather a real friendship that she contemplated cutting off, I saw the Facebook reference as an analogy and a reminder that social media makes it seems simple to end and start relationships when in reality it’s not as simple as the click of a button.

      I agree with the article. If our children lie we not only seek to correct their behavior but also to understand why they would lie in the first place. My daughter lied about having a snack she snuck to her room not only for fear of getting in trouble but also out of shame…that shame unchecked is far more damaging than the snack or the lie…

      I think this article is asking us to look at the behavior behind the lie the way we seek to know the cause of a fever or runny nose, the fever is only a symptom of a deeper issue and getting rid of the sickness can save the person the way getting rid of a heart issue can save a relationship …. 🙂 just my 2 cents -shared in love …

      • This is exactly how I understood it as well. I think it’s a great analogy. It’s too easy to think relationships are disposable and some of those friendships are well worth saving as long as we can find some grace for a fellow human who can fall just like the rest of us. I can’t say I’ve never said something unintentionally hurtful to a friend or done something I wish I’d thought first and handled a better way. Thankfully the friends that matter know my heart and I know theirs and if we can all let our own hurt feelings lay to the side, we can sometimes salvage something that is worth salvaging. (And this is very different than letting go of an unhealthy relationship where it really is best to end the relationship.)

  6. Gillie Ruth says:

    Well I relate to this too. A friend told a lie to get out of an awkward fix, and casually told me about it. My first reaction was to,think, if she lied to one friend, what has she lied about to me? Then I remembered that, funnily enough, I have probably lied too, so, I looked at the situation and understood why she had lied and then trusted me enough to tell me and not think I would judge her…..complicated, but I’ve just learnt a whole lot about real friends and trust, so I stopped fussing in my anxiety, prayed for forgiveness for being so ready to be a Pharisee and am enjoying both my friends. Hopefully they are enjoying my friendship in my imperfect state too!

  7. Gillie Ruth says:

    I meant to add that I am aware of knowing she lied, but I value this friendship, and i just accept that as part and parcel of the whole thing….and know it comes with the territory…and ask myself…..so what……there are things my friends..poor things….have to accept about me!

  8. Good article, but really disappointed seeing the message
    quoted in it.


  9. I totally get this. A friend just lied to me and I have been so mad and hurt. But God keeps telling me to be a blessing to her and my husband and I are trying so hard to stay on that path. It was about money – we rent from her parents. They want to almost double our rent. We are struggling so much and she knows that. But she just opened a business and i realize how scared she might be as a single mom trying to make ends meet. I dont like that she lied but i understand how desperate she might feel. Thank you for your post. Please pray for all of our finances.

  10. Rosemary says:

    Thanks Nicki for such a wonderful insight about discernment, wisdom in friendship. It also applies to all other issues of life. I can relate with this message because my friendships and relationships have been tested but God always provides me a wisdom to think beyond myself and be a blessing of His mercy and love by praying for the person involved. That is independent of whether it is a wisdom to continue in the friendship or not. We are called to help one another experience the loving grace of God and often we experience those areas of need in other to be compassionate to understand. It never fails and we never lose out when we act according to God’s love

  11. This sort of drama is left behind as you age. I suppose some would call it cynicism, but I expect people to lie. I expect people to gossip. I expect……….the worst………and rejoice when I’m surprised and see the best happen. Friends, whether cyber or real life are composed of real people with common flaws, and they are disposable. We can either chose to overlook their faults, or dump them. When they are bringing you to tears, I’d say they minimally get placed on “time out” – a period for you to determine if you are being a drama queen and overreacting, or if their failings have gone too far. And that’s key. Some people are in tears over everything….and that’s childish behavior that needs to be left behind in high school. We are grown women. We address the problem like grown ups. TALK it over with the offending “friend” in real life – and sort it out either way. Feeling such angst over unfriending someone on Facebook is……….something for teenage girls to be in angst over, don’t you think?

    • Rebecca says:

      Lisa, it may not have been your intention, but while your comment had some good points, it was interspersed with rudeness. Proverbs 16:24 Pleasant words are as a honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones.

    • Lisa – first, I love your name! Second – I believe that Nikki was simply speaking through a social media analogy when she referenced “unfriending” someone… not actually literally unfriending her on Facebook. Her hurt stemmed from being wounded by her friend. Speaking as a young, but grown, woman who has sought wisdom and guidance from many older women in my life, I have yet to speak with a woman who has aged out of being hurt. Nor have I met a woman who is too old to intentionally or unintentionally cause hurt to others. When my human flaws cause wounds to others or even cause what might be seen as “drama”, I am grateful that I have been extended mountains of grace again and again. Grace and discernment know no age limit 🙂

  12. I understand this as well and am in a moral dilemma at the moment – a crossroads of sorts. In a class I am taking at Church reconciling a broken relationship is part of our homework this week so it is very weird that I would just happen to come across this post tonight. Here is my situation. I was in a very mentally abusive marriage which was becoming physical and my ex had threatened mine and my children’s life. My ex-best friend (we will call he “M” and her husband “C”) and her husband were huge encouragers for me to leave with my children – C in fact had told me that if I ever needed to take the kids and run I could come there and he would protect us. They were a safe place for me and gave me great strength in knowing that I was making the right decision. They were both aware of what my ex was doing, had seen it first hand often when we were camping and together as families. They both knew that my kids and I were in danger and needed to leave. So I took my kids and ran – with no plans of ever coming back. After away for a day – I decided that running wasn’t the right decision for a few reasons 1) I knew my ex would hunt me down and kill me; 2) Running from the devil isn’t the wisest thing – facing him head on is what I knew I needed to do; 3) I needed to teach and show my girls what a strong woman is so that they know that the way their dad treated me was NOT ok and I did not want them to continue that cycle in their lives. It was a long, horrible and very expensive divorce because my ex decided to “punish me” by trying to prove that I was an unfit mother and take my girls away from me. He is very good at what he does – he’s definitely got sociopathic tendencies – I’m not a psychiatrist so won’t even begin to diagnose him – but this divorce took a toll on my heart and soul. I always knew that God was on my side. Trying to “prove my self as a fit mother” and not was he was making me out to be I needed good friends to vouch for my character and worth as a human being. I did not share the abusive portion of my life with many people mostly because it made my and my girls safety that much more at stake. M and C were one of the few friends that really knew and saw what happened in our house. To make a long story as short as possible – I hired a Guardian Ad Leitum (GAL) to help protect my children. Luckily she was fantastic at her job and could see right thru my ex’s bs. When she went to visit M & C to talk about what they had witnesses mine and my ex’s relationship and the abuse – this was needed for the most part to prove me as a fit mother (I was trusted as a stay at home mom for 12 years – why now I was unfit is crazy – but it is what it is). It turns out that M & C told the GAL that they had NEVER seen my ex treat me or my girls in any type of improper way – basically that he was a wonderful father and husband in their eyes. As she spoke with them more she determined that my ex had “made them understand the consequences of what they say to the GAL”. To put it in better perspective for me she asked me “who would you rather have angry at you? You or your ex?” She had a point for sure – I know the consequences of having my ex mad at you – and the price they would have paid would be quite high. He does not forgive or forget. I don’t believe the M & C know that I am aware that they lied to the GAL and I was so wrapped up in the divorce and trying to save my children that I just didn’t have time to deal with it then. I left Feb of 2010 and the divorce was final Oct of 2011 at a total cost for me of $400,000 – yes you heard that right – he filed 13 motions, tried to fire the GAL – so much more – it took all of this time for the courts to finally see what a sick man he is. I was suffering with the ordeal of my divorce and the emotional tole it was taking on not only me but mostly my children. M was like a sister to me, I have never had such a close girlfriend relationship as I had with her. We met and became best friends when out second children were born. But this circumstance I just could not accept. I was fighting for my and my children’s lives and safety and my best friend and her husband – one of the few people that could have saved me from so much time, cost and the ultimate need for protection for my girls – they lied! I tried to continue the friendship but it just became to emotionally hard for me. I tried to not let the emotions take over – I tried to understand their view on how my ex would have reacted to them turning against him – I really did try but my heart just could not accept it. I never did speak to them about it – I didn’t see the point – they had lied and that was that. The two people that were supposed to be my safe place no longer were safe for me and the trust had been forever broken. I needed to keep moving forward and this friendship had become a toxic thing for me. The last straw for me was when she told me that she hoped I didn’t mind that they were feeling sorry for my ex and our girls had invited them on what was our yearly family camping outing. That was the straw that broke the camels back. I just could not believe it. This was a yearly outing that my gf and I started and had always planned and now this was taken away from me as well. My heart just could not take anymore. So I walked away from the friendship – I answered her calls less and less, cancelled plans…and eventually de-friended her on Facebook (lol!). I haven’t had contact with her since early 2011 but the way the friendship ended and me not being able to explain to them why I made the decision I did has always weighed on my heart. I miss my friend everyday – but I also know that the friendship that we had is forever damaged and will never be the same. They have continued the relationship with my ex and my girls and have since been on many camping trips with all of them. I’m thankful that my girls still have them in their lives but it still hurts me horrendously. This is the relationship that I am considering reconciling – not to even necessarily continue the relationship in any way – but to be able to share with them why I made the decision I did and what I know. But then I wonder – who is this benefiting? Me or them? Is it worth adding more hurt to the entire thing when it really isn’t necessary? But then don’t I also have a right to have my say? I am so good at putting other people before myself. Is this a situation that I even want to put myself thru again? I don’t know. I am even putting myself out there sharing this on here. I am sharing this in a place of deep hurt and vulnerability and greatly appreciate others opinions and suggestions – I just please ask that you offer them in a constructive and loving way. Thank you for taking the time to read thru my long story and any words of advice that you have that my help settle my heart and soul.

    • Lisa – I also understand the high school portion of unfriending people on fb – I wanted to add here that the reason I unfriended my friend was because it was like twisting the knife in the wound every time I saw her post something. I didn’t want to see it anymore. It wasn’t to be mean – it was for my own sanity that I did it.

    • Sweet Katie,

      My heart aches for your entire situation. I will pray for you as you consider this opportunity. Betrayal is very difficult to overcome and their lives have obviously continued without you in the picture. Fear makes people do crazy things. Pray for them. Pray that their interactions with your kids are healthy for your kids. And “unfriending” her was probably the best thing to do in this situation. I know my comments aren’t long or even cohesive (I am recovering from jet lag at the moment) but your circumstance got my attention and so I am praying for your discernment!

      • Thank you Liz. I do pray often – it just still to this day weighs so heavy on my heart. Pain will do that and sometimes I think we all need to realize that some things are just not meant to be understood. This I believe is one of them. It’s just so odd that here and in my class at church that reconciliation has been brought to the forefront of my mind again and this friend is the one that pops into my head first. It’s all just so unsettled and maybe is just better left that way. Thank your or your kind words.

    • Michelle says:

      Katie, pray for M and C. Forgive M and C. I would not renew this friendship. You are better off stepping away from this whole relationship and begin to heal and forgive by drawing closer to God. Pray for wisdom and understanding and the ability to extend Grace. You do not have be in a relationship with them. God will provide you with peace and joy .
      May God bless you and your family.

    • Katie, so sorry you had to go through such a roller coaster. I praise the Lord for having carried you through it all even when you felt you couldn’t go on. Keep forgiving them all. God has a way of removing veils off people’s eyes. Sooner or later they will see your ex for what he really is. Then again, God could be using them to get through to him. Let’s pray that is so. Don’t put stumbling blocks so as to block God’s work. Take time out to let Him heal you!!!! Love you sis!!!!! To God be the glory.

    • Kristy T says:

      As you pray abou this I recommend a great book called “Peacemaker”. It will talk you through the pain and what your role is. As Christians we are to forgive our enemies but you do not need to open your life back up to that hurt. Kristy

    • Katie,
      I took time to read your sharings. First, it was good to have shared it, which further helps in your healing. I am so sorry you’ve experienced so much hurt and abuse from both your needs continaul prayer ex and your two friends whom you’ve valued and trusted.
      Remember Katie that the bible says “The arm of flesh will fail you, you dear not trust your own!” However, the bible is crystal clear regaridng the type friends we are to be, and we are deserving of same from others. You have been hurt and God knows and feels your
      deepest pains. Sounds as if your husband ended up with the children. If so, this for me
      is very painful. However, be reminded that “We shall reap that which we sow!” Please read Psalms 37, the fisr verse ask that we not “Fret because fo those who are evil.” I advise that you continue to leave the friendships alone peacefully. Perhaps, it was for your ex, M & C to eventaully end up being friends and you were just the vessel that made it happen. Allow them to have their relationship as hard as this hurts. Should you see them, always show love and keep it moving. Clear your head from thoughts and do things for yourself. Also, pray for new sincere Christian friends, leave the past behind. Katie, when you cannot trace God, simply trust God. Our God is capable of returning back to you $400,000.00 tripe and more folds. All the monies is our God’s My sister your are loved. Last, “LET IT AND THEM GO!”

  13. Jesus calls us friends (John 15), knowing full well that we won’t always measure up (we know how his disciples fell away on the day we call Good Friday). Jesus is our example, showing us what it means to BE a friend. That old hymn says it well: Do thy friends despise, forsake thee . . . in his arms he’ll take and shield thee.” We tend to keep count of the times our friends fail us and overlook the times we fail our friends. True friendship is a mix of discernment and grace.

    • At the same time, Jesus did not keep Peter from the consequences of his betrayal. God gives us over to our foolishness as well. To me that means that if people want to act like fools we should let them, but not join in or allow them to drag us down with them. We can still be in prayer for them. Praying for someone is the best show of friendship Someone can offer.

  14. I don’t know, I like that you were able to get past this but I had a similar but ongoing situation and it was just doing something inside me I could not let happen. For 8 years I tried to hold on to this friendship as she lied to me, just little things and nothing major but I always wondered why she felt the need, why was it necessary? I heard her lie to others so I knew it wasn’t just me which made me feel better but still, why? I told her how it hurt me but I held on. Then she lied ABOUT me. That was the greatest hurt I have ever felt. The lie wasn’t huge but it was demeaning and aimed towards mine and my husbands character. I was confused because they had just started going to church and our relationship seemed to be growing in a much deeper way and then bam. When I asked why she would do that, I just got anger and yelling from her. I knew I was done, I couldn’t do it anymore. That unfriend button on facebook and real life had been tempting me for 8 years and I finally hit it. It’s been about 8 months and what I’ve figured out is that was never a friendship out of mutual respect. Our lives got less clouded and when I studied scripture every morning I wasn’t thinking about that situation but on my salvation instead. So while we should hold on to valuable relationships we also need to let go of those that are blocking our minds from God.

  15. Man……this is real!!! People, friends, even we are without fault. People are humans, BEING. Who are we to write ANYBODY off when God keeps on loving us, forgiving us and calling us friend.
    Thank you for this. Ive been tossing all night from a friend’s let down last night and then her oblivious response but I REFUSE not to walk in love. Its NOT an option. Love is making the adjustment to someone else’s shortcomings. Lord knows I need that same grace.
    Blessings ladies.

    • Not invisible to HIM says:

      Hi Lisa; I understand your need to not cut someone off due to their “shortcomings”,
      but have you considered that God never meant for us to be in everyone’s inner circle
      of friendships? Even Jesus was closer to some of the disciples than to others. Yes, we
      all have hang-ups and none of us are perfect. But there is a difference between someone
      who is just annoying or quirky and someone who is lying about us and falsely accusing
      us to others. For instance, I have a friend who twists everything I say
      so that I have to watch every word carefully or she will turn it around to mean nothing
      like it was intended. It is difficult to have any kind of conversation with her because
      she repeats every conversation we have when she is around her other close friends.
      One of her friends will come up to me and ask me nosy things about things I’ve told
      only this other friend, or it will come out in some way to let me know that she is
      repeating what I say, to these other women (all Christians).
      One of the greatest components of a true friendship is the ability to trust the person.
      I once had a friend that was a taker and never a giver. It took years for me to realize
      that this friendship was one-sided and that I was doing all the giving. In fact, God Himself
      made sure that my eyes were opened to what was going on. He told me to walk away and
      when I found it difficult, this friend, who was always stuck by my side, who I could not
      seem to get away from, suddenly started drifting away and it didn’t take long for me to
      realize God was answering my prayer. When possible we should always try to reconcile,
      as long as we feel the Lord is leading us to, but in my own christian life, I know God has
      called me to separate from some who were pulling me down and “sucking the life out
      of me”. I believe we are called to love everyone but nowhere is it said that we are to
      confide in everyone, believe everyone even when they’ve proven untrustworthy, etc…We
      must forgive those that have hurt us but forgiveness and love does not always mean
      reconciliation. There are some people we may have to love “from afar”.

  16. I am struggling with family relationships. Its been years of on and off with my sisters. In the end I have prayed repeatedly to reveal any faults or responsibilities I have…so that I can ask for forgiveness and be right in the eyes of the Lord. Despite this, despite efforts to do the right thing and to do everything i know to keep the peace, all I see is hurtful action, judgement, and backstabbing. My Christianity makes me hypocritical in their eyes. My financial stability makes me materialistic. My kindness to others makes me fake & showy. My decision to remove my self from unhealthy people makes me the bad guy. I truly feel there is more of a psychological/mental health issue with them. I know they need Jesus and I pray for it. What i struggle with is being sure that separating myself from these people is the right thing. If it makes sense, i do feel at peace most of the time. However, the creeping guilt comes in and tells me “its family its not right”. But at what point is enough enough and letting go of the toxic relationship is ok? Trust me I don’t take it as lightly as “unfriending”….this has been years of craziness and anguish..praying it was different.

    • Philista says:

      Amy, you and I are in the exact same situation. I just came back from spending 2 nights with my family at a surprise birthday party for my mom’s 80th birthday. Unfortunately business kept my husband from attending with me–he has been my ‘safe place’ when we are with them. And so he received 2 phone calls from me venting out my frustrations. Fortunately, I was able to spend some good morning time in prayer before meeting up with them each of the two days. Not that it made the interactions peaceful but it certainly helped me to accept their personalities better than if I had not.
      Even as a child I was not close to them and it continues to this day. All of what you said I can relate to. My financial stability makes me ‘spoiled’, I’m the ‘bad guy’ because I refuse to participate in the backstabbing among my sisters, and I too, am a hypocrite because in their eyes I don’t act like a Christian according to my mom. All 3 of my sisters have had or still have a substance abuse issue; I am the only one who has not. And while it makes it easier to understand their attitude towards me and their actions it doesn’t make it easier to be around.
      I do pray for them and for my reaction/actions toward them but most of the time I tend to forget about them-which is easy since I live an hour away from them.
      Could this be our ‘thorn in the flesh’? Our opportunity to rely on our Father more to love them? Our opportunity to focus in on how God sees them through His loving eyes?

  17. I’ve been struggling with friendships my whole life. My why of thinking is you hurt me once shame on you you hurt me twice shame on me. I wear my heart on my sleeve I am always there to give a helping hand, I pray for them, give them shoulder to cry and an ear to listen. BUT when it’s me who needs the help it back fires and suddenly my business isn’t private but repeated to others.

  18. Cheryle says:

    Kay is my BFF. When my son died ,she was at our house within minutes and she got busy shopping for groceries and preparing the house. We have taken mission trips together and her family even traveled to Germany for our sons’ wedding! What a friend..

  19. Anita Drake says:

    Excellent! We have those that have hurt us and our first response is what can I do to protect myself from it happening again. Hurt and heartache are the things that God uses to soften our hearts and build Godly character in us. Yes, common sense and discernment are very badly needed in our lives.

  20. I really liked this post, especially the part about discerning that others are human and do make mistakes. I live in a large city where people come and go very quickly. Even those who don’t are very cliqued off and it is tough to make friendships that last. I’ve come to learn that like romantic relationships, platonic relationships also require work and emotional availability. So many people simply do not have room in their hearts for one more friend! And that’s ok. Through prayer and growth, God has led me to people who need my friendship, and serving Him and others has been a ton of blessings!

  21. Hi Nikki…………..good blog! I just REfriended someone I had UNfriended awhile ago. It was a process and a lot had to happen before the actual contact was made again but God was in it all. I had done the work in my own heart and God brought it about in hers and voila! we are back in unity again. I like the verse that tells us to maintain the unity in our own hearts because that is really all we can do. If the other person does the same that is bonus but we can’t control that but we can still love them and pray for them and work towards God’s highest best for them.

  22. OOPS! I hit send before putting in my correct website address. Hope you will go there and read my blog as it does relate to Nikki’s (not coincidentally) today! 🙂

  23. Jerry Lovejoy says:

    Super helpful! I am meeting a dear friend tonight for dinner to discuss her impending marriage and reception. She is marrying her same-sex partner. I am reminded by your blog that she is always my friend even when I disagree with her choices. I can love her and her partner while making it clear that I am not in agreement with same-sex marriage. I can let her know that I can attend her reception (wedding only for immediate family) as her loving friend even though I may not agree with the path she has chosen. Your thoughts?

    • In His Image says:

      Hi Jerry…….I totally understand your love and concern for your friend. I don’t know
      the whole story but I do know that as Christians, our loyalty is first to our Savior
      Jesus and we should not take part in any way in things that are in direct opposition
      to His word. The word says to abstain from all appearance of evil. (1 Thess. 5:22).
      Showing up at a reception makes it look like, no matter what you say about it, you
      are in some way supporting this same-sex marriage. In my own case, my first cousin
      David, married another man. Years ago, before he was married,
      he moved to a liberal city because he felt more welcomed there. No one was telling
      him his lifestyle was wrong. No one was confronting him with what the bible said, etc…
      He loves it there. When he flew back here after his wedding, with his new “husband”, I had already been
      scheduled to work all day and could not get off. I was so relieved because there was no
      way I would “congratulate” him on his recent wedding, as I could not do it
      and not feel like a hypocrite. I am NOT happy for him and I
      will never pretend to be. I still love him; we were close as youngsters and I am praying
      for his and his “husbands” salvation. But to look him in the face, and pretend to be
      happy about something that is so destructive in the end, would be wrong. You need to
      do whatever God tells you to do, but I know for myself, there is NO WAY I could have
      gone to a reception and especially a wedding. I grieve for his lifestyle..how can I
      be happy for someone that I love knowing the consequences down the road unless he
      repents? When we really love someone, we will tell them the truth, but always in love.
      It is not my place to judge his heart, but I can judge his actions, according to the word
      of God. I will also continue to pray for him and his “spouse”. Other family members gathered
      to have a mini-reception for them…some that are totally against same-sex
      marriage congratulated them on their union. To me that is total hypocricy. “How can
      two walk together except they be in agreement?” If you choose to stay close friends with her,
      she will rub off on you in some way. We can’t be in close friendship without that person
      having some sort of effect on us. I am not comparing homosexual relationships to someone
      murdering people, but since you know the word says murder is wrong, would you still
      be friends with someone you found out was a serial killer? I know that sounds extreme but
      do you really think being close friends with someone that is doing something that is totally against
      Gods’ standards for living is okay or even a good thing? Sometimes the bible calls for us to
      separate from some so that they will repent, but never give up praying for her and her new “spouse”.
      Nothing is impossible with God!!

  24. gaye fox says:

    I agree w Angela Thiel. Friends go through good and bad times..but friends don’t lie to each other. Pretend friends do. God made doors that open and close for a reason. Its up to us to use our wisdom to realize when its ok to close a door. Sounds like you are still reacting with emotion instead of logic.

  25. Thank you, Nicki, for sharing your heart & encouraging us to be women who see other people thru Jesus’ eyes and not our own. I’m almost 40 & am finding myself at the place where I only have 1 very close, amazing Christian friend. While I’m thankful every day for our relationship, I know I’m to blame for not having more friends to share life with. My husband says I expect too much from people, especially Christians, and he’s right. For too many years I saw people thru my own eyes, & if they did things I considered wrong or offensive, I tossed them aside & moved on; my reasons would be “They should know better than that by now” or “Why can’t they see their own sin” or “I would never do _____ like they just did!” When a friend would do wrong, I’d quote a pastor I once heard: “You don’t lower your standards for people, but you bring the people up to the standard!!” I prayed Jesus would “fix” them so they would see the error of their ways & get to the high standard I expected of them. But in a way only Jesus can do, he gently began working on me instead. He showed me that yes, lying is wrong & friends shouldn’t do that to each other, but that He has called us to love & forgive. We are not given the right to wipe our hands clean of relationships & walk away. In some circumstances yes, we must draw a healthy boundary line & remove ourselves from an unhealthy, destructive relationships. But people are people-Christian or not. When we ask for forgiveness, we’re forgiven, but we will ALWAYS be sinners this side of heaven & we will always mess up. ALWAYS. And although we may all learn the same lessons eventually, we don’t always learn them in the same order. We may have overcome something our friend is still struggling with (like lying), so its easy to judge. But we may very well still be trying to overcome something that someone else has already worked through. Would we want them to give up on us? Through the process of growing & helping each other grow, we should always be “joyful in hope, patient in affliction, & faithful in prayer.” (Romans 12:12) It has been a HARD lesson for me to see my own sin, but I’m working hard on seeing others thru the eyes of Jesus, which is such a gift. When you see the hurt, the insecurity, the brokenness, the “back story”, & other things people deal with that cause them to make poor choices, then you can understand a little better and have a more compassionate heart that’s quicker to forgive. As far as social media, I actually had to delete my accounts. I know it seems extreme, but for me personally, FB, Twitter & Instagram caused me to turn to my old ways again: I expected a lot from someone, they posted something ridiculous, or rude, or ungodly, and I jumped right in to judging them again & wanted to push the “unfriend button.” God worked on my heart for MONTHS before I obeyed, and yes, sometimes I miss that “connection”, but now I have more time to be a better face to face friend & am working on the relationships I so bitterly tossed aside in the past. So thank you again, Nicki! May the holy spirit be with all of us today & help us be better friends. (Sorry for the novel-I’m not one to leave comments but I’ve become passionate about restoring and reclaiming what the devil has tried to steal all these years, & your post resonated with me this a.m! 🙂 In His Grip, Beth

  26. So Appropriate for todays problems and outlook on social media. Very insightful. Thanks for sharing!

  27. I had a falling out with someone I thought was my friend. As Christians, I saw how she was backslidenn and I always tried to point her to Jesus.She even saw that I lived as I spoke, even in my troubled marriage. The first time we went our separate ways was because I told her the truth but she attacked me and my character and sent me ugly emails along with what seemed like endless texts in one day. I was hurt and angry. Months later she apologized. Even though I noticed she was defending her behavior, I forgave her discerning in my heart she’d do it again- because she was still not fully committed to the Lord. It was only a matter of time before she did it again. This time the Lord showed me she attacked my character and my Christianity because she had put me on a pedestal. See, because she was not walking with the Lord, she would use me as an example to her kids and family. This would take the focus off the way she was living onto me. When I refused to let her use my name on something else she again attacked my character, Christianity and destroyed whatever amount of friendship there was. I did unfriend her on Facebook, blocked her on my emails, and blocked her from my phone so she can no longer text or call me. That may seem cruel and ridiculous, but there is only so much of that behavior a person should tolerate. Unfortunately she is my husband’s cousin so I will run into her again, but as far as friendship – common sense tells me I can not give her another chance. It is a struggle because she really hurt me. I forgive her, but just because we forgive, does not mean that all our relationships will be reconciled. My prayer is that the Lord reveals to her how her toxic behavior kills relationships as I am not the only person she’s behaved this way towards. I pray he brings her Godly sorrow so she repents and does not do it to anyone else just because they don’t agree with her foolishness. I am open to suggestions, rebuke, and corrections. Thank you.

  28. Excellent advice! From the perspective of someone nearing birthday #57 (!!!) I will tell you that with age comes wisdom.
    Don’t do anything drastic or in haste! And definitely don’t do anything drastic hastily!
    One thing women tend to do is to over-analyze situations, comments and actions. Stop. Breathe. Let things go. None of us is without sin; some are secret while others are “in your face” visible.

    Don’t hold others to stricter standards than you hold yourself! Be the kind of friend you’d like others to be to you—and keep being the friend others can depend on—for that is how Jesus treats us.
    Look — for example — at Christ’s circle of friends! “The one whom Jesus loved” (John), Simon-Peter, and James. The tight inner circle. Then a few others: Andrew and Philip. Further out, the rest of the twelve. Another ring includes his friends Mary, Martha, Lazarus and so on.
    Likewise we will have one or two very dear, very close friends. They are clise heart-friends. Others who know us but perhaps not all out secret thoughts. Others are acquaintances. We share air and dinner and laughter.
    Look how Christ’s friends betrayed and denied and disappointed Him!
    Bear up under the strain of earthly sorrows for we a have difficulties and quirks, and certainly none of us are perfect. The only one who is true is Jesus!
    Check out my blog and Facebook page http://www.TitusTwoFriends.blogspot.com

  29. Rebekah says:

    In my case I didn’t unfriend the person, the person unfriended me because they didn’t have full knowledge of something I said. They are a cancer fighter and I pray for them daily, it is my brother. However, I had a battle with cancer many years ago, no chemo or radiation necessary, but surgery was needed. My cancer was never made public to the family, only my parents and future in-laws knew because it was just a speed bump in my life. I was getting married soon and wanted to focus on that , not the cancer. I was confident that God would use this to His glory and He did. I have been cancer free for 14 years. However, my brother has struggled greatly, surgeries, many rounds of chemo and radiation, etc. I hurt for him and have tried to reach out and comfort him only to be pushed away. He has pushed away our parents and our other brother too. He doesn’t not believe that I had cancer because he doesn’t remember it. So he thinks I made this all up so that I could steal some of his limelight. This couldn’t be further from the truth. I had only posted something to give praise to God that He is awesome and how that cancer scare changed my view on life. Yet it hurts that people reject you when they suffer. I love my brother and would really like to be supportive but he has completely shut me out. Thanks you for this post and for listening. May God bless you in all you do for Christ.

    • Thankfully I haven’t battled cancer; however, my brother is in the midst of a war with cancer and unfortunately the cancer is winning. All I can say is that cancer changes people and families. It is so sad that Satan uses this opportunity to bring division among those we love. My advice is to GIVE GRACE 🙂

  30. I have unfriended a few people for using vulgar or profane language. I don’t like that kind of language.

  31. patricia bohlander says:

    i ended a friendship with someone who got mad at me for wanting to take 10 or 15 minutes to see my brother. i was upset about it and i let time go by then i called her and left her a message explaining why and she called while i was out and it was not pretty. i really hated to end it and i pray for her. sometimes i wonder if i should have but she was still mad over wanting me to stop and give my brother a hug( he only lives 5 minutes away from her house)

  32. No matter what it was a Christian shouldn’t lie, we are told that our tongues are like “fire”.
    James 3:9 With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. 10 Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be. 11 Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? 12 My brothers and sisters, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water. 13 Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. 14 But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. 15 Such “wisdom” does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. 16 For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. 17 But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. 18 Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness.

    However, knowing we all sin and fall short, we should forgive, you not writing your friend off is the right thing to do. It will one make her think about the wrong she did and hopefully repent. It will also make you a stronger Christian and that is what is most important.

  33. Over the past few weeks several devotions have spoken to me. I have been having issues with people who I thought were friends and who lied to me and I was unfriended by them. I was hurt over this situation and I read the devotional about BFFs. Also having financial issues I was encourages last week by yet another devotional. I really appreciate the encouragement given daily. Thank you.

  34. First I am so sorry for your hurt. It’s hard to understand why your friend felt the need to lie.
    When things like this happens it makes me wonder what is going on or has went on in that persons life that makes them feel the need to lie. The devil comes to separate but GOD gives you wisdom . Guard your heart .
    Use wisdom , stop going around the mountain , head NORTH!. Pray for her and praise God you found out .
    Praying for peace ,

  35. This came to me at a great time! I am currently in a situation with a friend I have had for about 14 years now. After marriage and kids, we don’t really get together much but we are planning a “date” to catch up. Unfortunately, because my family and I have gone through some really rough times over the past 2 years, including job loss, illness, bankruptcy, and loss of our house, I don’t really feel up to “catching up” because I am afraid of the judgement. She never really has been that kind of person toward me but I know joint friends of ours who tend to be a little “gossipy” and since I have been avoiding the get togethers, I am sure my name as been the topic of discussion within the group. By the grace of God, things are starting to look up and are moving in the right direction for my family. During these hard times, my husband has truly become my best friend but, I don’t want to push my other friends away because I’m more comfortable staying in and not talking about it. I don’t want to “unfriend” her, I just don’t look forward to the catch up talk.

  36. Mary Linn says:

    My friend and I have been through many things since we were 14. We are now 47. Both of us have learned to drive together, both of us have been divorced and now remarried. Both gave teenagers. We did go thru a rough patch when I thought she wanted to be seen with the “elite”. She still does but I now have others to visit with. We know we can call anytime and pick up where we left off.

  37. donna fusiara says:

    I loved this message. It speaks to me as struggle with trying to stay away from FB because of these exact reasons! I realize after reading this, that although social media has it’s good points such as keeping in touch with REAL friends who may be far away, but it also has its bad side, which causes our human side to come through and tap into jealousy, envy, and even anger and disappointment. I loved your verse today and I will pray about using more common sense and discernment in my everyday decisions. THank you and God bless you for sharing your knowledge in Christ Jesus with us.

  38. Carol Bruntlett says:

    Wow I really really related to your blog here , I hit the unfriend button on FB a about 4 months ago , I had someone in my life that I had made friends with on FB and the friendship got close fast and then the friendship got demanding , and then the friendship got controlling and then jealousy started up in the friendship and all that the friendship eventually ended , I have a hard time sometimes that this person saw fit to to control and everything was on there clock and always under a microscope with this person , so I was glad it was over with , and I did email and ask for forgiveness on my part I owned up to my part . But this person has never once asked for forgiveness to me . So anyway this friendship was diffcult espically when all the questions and jealousy and controlling , and being under a microscope with her , I felt it was best to end it and not be in contact with this person . I do not think I unfriended her out of hurt , I thought about it for about 4 months before I done it . I do not think personally that friendship can ever be restored , I only pray for her and have forgiven her
    Thank you Carol

  39. Forgiveness is hard when we’ve been hurt. However, Christ called us to forgive 70 times seven! I don’t think it’s Christ-like to give up on people for one sin. We are all sinners. That being said, friendships do come and go in life. Sometimes you have to distance yourself from someone who has different values than yourself. Maybe it’s a conscious decision or maybe it’s a gradual “falling away”. But before that happens, definitely forgive.

    Social media is a whole other sticky problem. Ha!

  40. Friendships are like waves in the ocean. They ebb and flow. They can come upon us fast or wash over us slowly. They are always there, sometimes near to us and sometimes far away. Sometimes they can refresh us and feel awesome and other times they knock us down and even try to drown us. They can take us away from our shore and try to lore us out into dangerous open waters. They do this because they are waves. They can’t be anything but a wave. Do not believe they are anything else and do not believe they are the same as the shore, they are not. God is our shore, beckoning each wave to come to him, yet allowing them to drift away if that is their choice. Accepting each wave over and over again, regardless of what storm it has been through. You see, the shore is always there, sometimes deep into the sea, far beneath the waves, but always present. We don’t call it the shore, but by any other name, it is still the same and ever present. Be like the shore and allow the waves to wash over you. Do it while you are close to the shore, so that the waves cannot knock you down. Do not allow the waves to be the biggest thing surrounding you, for trouble will surely come to you. Allow the shore to be the biggest thing around you and trouble will wash back out to sea. You will then be left basking in the sun with the shore to rest on, and you will have magnificent views of all the waves glistening in their own unique way and the shore goes on as far as the eye can see. This view with all of it’s glory will give you perspective and clarity of just how wonderful God is.

    • That is the most amazing post I have read this morning. Thank you so much for that!!

    • Nancy that has got to be one of the most beautiful, insightful things I have ever read. Love it so much! Would I have your permission to share that Facebook? I’ll put it in quotations of course and quote your name or make it anonymous, whatever you prefer 🙂 I feel like others should read it, but mostly I want to have it saved so I can look at it later 🙂

  41. Catherine says:

    I know you ladies are very mature. That is why I am seeking advice from you. I am 23 years old and I arrived in the USA when I was 19. I am originally from Cameroon where I grew up with a bunch of “friends”. Most of them have let me down since I travelled. My old best friend as well has stopped reaching because she said she received an email supposedly from me saying that I do not know her anymore. So several times I attempted to reach her without success for years until last year. Ever since last year she doesn’t communicate with me. I am always the one trying. She posted online that she would come to the USA for a training and when I asked her some info about it she did not reply. Also, I remember that she accepted to date the man I was madly attracted to when we were still younger. A month ago, I got tired of all this silence and confusion and I unfriended her on social media. I still pray for her though and I want God to forgive us and bless us both in life. Was it wrong for me to unfriend her? What advice would you give to me please,

  42. I have a question…when I “unfriendly” a person on Facebook, do they see that?
    A comment on forgiving and reconciling. Forgiveness heals US, and can only come from us….admitting our mistakes in a relationship. reconciling is something different and can only take place when BOTH admit mistakes and repent. I forgave a person for my own healing, wrote to her and repented of my mistakes. I never heard from her so there is where it stands. She lives another state away so the separation is easier, but so healing in that we have a mutual friend and now that I wrote her a letter (a real letter and not email) I have been freed of resentment from her lies. Our relationship is over and I am freed.

  43. By the way, Nikki, is that an old picture or the new YOU? You look great!

  44. Great message, but small favor..would you mind using the NIV or even better the King James Bible when quoting scripture. Eugene Patterson’s MESSAGE bible is basically one mans version of rewriting the bible, which is very unbiblical. Not only are many scriptures missing from his version, he changes many things, to his perspective and his personal philosophy, not GODS, that is a huge NO NO in Gods eyes. Research the un-biblical discrepancies in the MESSAGE Bible and you will be totally shocked! I know I was! I used to read it as well. :/

    The King James in the best version we have as Christians and the most accurate. Is it harder to read, sure..sometimes, but the Holy Spirit will help you understand, and comprehend, and pretty soon you’ll be zipping through the King James easily! Take care, and I especially loved the part about filtering things through the Word and not through our emotions, because emotions LIE! Have a blessed day! :)) Stephie

  45. Nicki, thanks so much for this devotion on P31 today. It’s an answer to prayer – I called out to God and he heard me.
    On a very different note, I want to express who my special friend is and that would be Candy. She has been a lifelong friend (since 1st Grade). We have been close and not so close through the years, but every time we get together, we pick up where we left off. She’s amazing! I love her. She knows me well. In fact, I visited her yesterday to deliver a house-warming gift and to see her new home, which just happens to be five minutes from my house. As we visited, I glossed over a problem I had with one of my daughters, and she “read me like a book.” She knew there was more. Again…she’s amazing. PS My kids call her Aunt Candy; she’s like a sister to me.

  46. Nice! Very nice.

  47. This post hit me in the heart because several years ago I “unfriended” my sister, one of my six siblings. I have often, almost daily, thought and prayed about this decision. Knowing that she will never change her ways is why I’ve not made many further attempts to reconcile. She lies constantly. To me, about me, about others. I can’t share anything personal, and can’t comment when she talks. Our conversations have to be her talking and me saying things like oh, uh huh, really. If I ever slip up and offer a suggestion or a comment- or even if I don’t – she is telling others what I “said”. She goes through drawers, mail, email etc. of others and then has the audacity to complain about what she has found. She borrows and steals, and her drama before and during holiday gatherings turned me from ever really enjoying them again. She does petty, mean things out of neediness and jealousy. This has gone on constantly since we were young and living at home. I am not alone in my decision to unfriend her. She leaves other family members and friends in her wake. I do love her and pray for her, but cannot come to terms with trying to continue a relationship because I honestly am at a loss as to how to move forward. She knows exactly what my problems with her are but refuses to admit to them or attempt to change. I am also happier and healthier with things as they are, but wish I knew how to change this, because despite everything, I do love my sister.

  48. Excellent study…. a study of our hearts….

  49. My hubs and I got off facebook for reasons a lot like this. 900 friends, really? No, you hit the nail on the head, there are a handful of people we love well and that love us back and we dont need the internet to stay close to them. The fallouts stemming from facebook just wasnt worth it to us anymore. It’s been 2 years and while I do miss seeing cute pics of friends kiddos or critters from time to time, I dont miss it enough to join up again.

  50. Thank you so much for the message and for all the great posts about this issue! Truely insightful and relevant.

  51. Hi Sweet Sister! I see how there were a few ladies who didn’t seem to agree with your devotional. I believe that you were saying that we need to be careful not to let our emotions deceive us into thinking something that’s not true, but that we need to take “every thought (which includes emotions) captive to the obedience of CHRIST.” This is true. Hebrews 4:12 says that GOD’S Word “judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart”. We must put all our trust in GOD, because people WILL disappoint us. Proverbs 20:6 says “Many a man claims to have unfailing love, but who can find a faithful man.” (That probably isn’t exact wording, but at least we know what it’s saying :D) If the relationship is doing more harm than good, we must keep that person close to our hearts, but avoid that relationship if their intentions are not pure, and if they continue in them.

    Also, if there is someone you know that is overall a good friend, and they did something that hurt you, we can then be used to shine the grace of GOD to them after we let them know our feelings. And then when we forgive them, they can see GOD’S love through us (if they don’t know HIM).

    I also wanted to say I am SO sorry for some of the curt responses you got from some of the readers. Your devotional was written with love, from your heart, and for the glory of our precious Heavenly Father.

    Thank you so much for sharing your heart. You are a blessing to me. 🙂

    Blessings to you as well,

  52. Alice Meyers says:

    If Christ lives in us-why do we still have so many issues? It seems we would not have such heartache and confusion.I feel so hopeless reading these comments and those at other proverbs 31 posts.

  53. Bobbie Sue says:

    Katie-I would like to say thank you for sharing your story. I’m going through the same thing with my grandmother. She was my “safe” place at one time. Thank you again for sharing . God bless!!!

  54. Mary Eidson Rose says:

    Thank you for your message today. So helpful! We’ve all been through this at some time in our lives!

  55. Sharon Dumas says:

    Sherry Lee is my special friend….a friend who loves at all times!

  56. Nicki,

    I too have faced a similar situation. I too wanted to unfriend my long time friend. I had to remind myself that my closest friends will hurt me the worst because they are so close to me. Looking through the lens of God instead of our emotions is always the right approach.

  57. Drop her like a bad habit and move on to better relationships. No one needs negativity to hold them back regardless of what she is going through. Be strong….if she did it once and you cave she will keep on doing it. Relationships run their course sometimes and you are far better off without people like that 🙂

  58. I am hurting right mow…my best friend is selfish and hurtful and downright mean sometimes. We have been best friends for eleven years…I am wondering how I have dealt with this so long. It was not like this the first eight years or so but as our children get older and things change it’s getting harder to deal with. I want to walk away some days but we live next door so that’s hard to do. I forgive and forgive but I am growing weary of always being the one to forgive and forget. I have tried to confront her a few times and then she won’t speak to me for a while…so it’s not worth it. Feel trapped …tired….and wish my friend could see others perspective. I am trying….but I’m dying inside. Someday’s I wish I could de-friend….. the situation, but I continue to pray to God to help our relationship and lead me to where this is supposed to go.

  59. Kimberly says:

    Thank you so much for sharing this!!! I cannot tell you how much I needed this or how perfect the timing was!! An answer to prayer & a reminder that He is ALWAYS faithful! 🙂

  60. Gillie Ruth says:

    Stella, I have a similar situation, amd now, because it is toxic to me, I just don’t go into her house to visit. I say a cheery hello,if we meet outside, I don’t phone or text. I am always polite, but keep chats short, and move on. Anything negative or difficult in conversation I make third person eg Life can be awkward can’t it? That’s no good sorry ro hear about that, or, I’m glad there’s cheerful things in life to think about. Then, sorry, have to go, catch you later. No arguing or fixing opinions. Basically being like I would to an acquaintance, safer and hassle free, amd I don’t feel guilty, just pray for her.

    • Thank you for the encouragement. I find peace in our Lord and I know he will not fail me but this relationship after eleven years has me thinking about it all the time and it consumes me,,,which I know is wrong in my heart and head but still can not let it go. If she was not so close I could I think. I have learned through this to be so much more careful with my words to others and remember we all have pain…I know she does too. Gillie I hate meaningless relationships that people say fake things and walk away talking about people….but I think their is always going to be a place in everyones lives for that kind of person cause you can’t avoid it unless your a monk maybe!!?? Thanks again for the reply…blessings.

  61. Cassandra George says:

    My best friend is Jesus. When people fail me, and they do, just as I fail them, I can always find peace and refuge from the storms of life in my Saviour. My rides to and from work, in my home when I am with my children and husband, in the good and the bad, Christ is my safe place and Friend, if only I will allow Him to be.

  62. Traci Johnson says:

    And then there are times you have to let go of toxic people in your life. Letting go of unhealthy relationships doesn’t mean you hate the person or that you wish them harm; it simply means you care about your own well-being.

    “There are things you don’t want to happen, but have to accept, things you don’t want to know, but have to learn, and people and circumstances you can’t live without but have to let go. Some things come into your life just to strengthen you, so you can move on without them.”

  63. This is an interesting post & really touches on my life this past year. I’ve “unfriended” a number of long time friends due to the fact, I finally realized they are not my friends based on their actions. God’s been teaching me to look at people’s actions and not their words. “What does light have to do with darkness?” I want friends who are truly pursuing God and not pulling me away or stabbing me behind my back. I’ve always put my eggs in the “friend” basket, so that’s why I believe God’s teaching me to let go of these non-friends. I have no animosity toward them, and I pray for them; but I don’t need them in my life. It does make me sad though how few people I meet (who call themselves Christians) who are really pursuing God and not just all talk.
    On the flip side…God has recently called me to befriend various non-Christians I know to be their friend. These are not people I would choose to be friends with, but I know God wants me to love them and be their friend.

  64. I totally get this. I’ve caught my christian mother out lying on a number of occasions, but does one un-mother ones mother. Believe me I’ve considered this, but Gods word and Jesus example has convinced me otherwise. The ultimate truth is found in scripture. The worlds opinions (and they can be very vocal) can make sense and seem rational, but follow Gods word and you will be in his will (even if it is foolishness to the world). People have given me a second chance against there better judgement. I am so grateful! Follow Gods way, it’s narrow and few travel there, but…….it will blow your mind 🙂

  65. my back hurts so much – i started using a brace its not so bad now

  66. Lynnette says:

    I don’t even know what to comment on this…actually my heart has been grieving for over a year, actually about 2, over the loss of a 40 year friendship ending….I’m still not quite sure why…I know I was very needy, that was a big problem, maybe that was it…in a round about way she said it was but yet gave me the idea we would be able to work thru and be as close as before….I have done things that are not right, they are sin, and maybe she just couldn’t get past the enormity of it…maybe she is justified in “defriending” me…I really don’t know, I just know I have missed her, her family and our 1-1 bond we had since childhood…but I’m finally letting go and I have an amazing, trustworthy, nonjudgemental group of friends who listen yet help me follow Gods word…I am just still needing some prayer to get over the hurt and wonder of it. I have never been closer to Christ and maybe that is it all in all. <3

  67. Does anyone know how I could become a writer for Proverbs 31 ministries? Please email me at smvincent1@hotmail.com
    I believe this is a gift God has given. Thank you, Sarah

  68. Thank you, Nicki, for sharing from your heart. My very good Christian friend is Sherry. Our friendship is rooted in the times we share as prayer partners. She knows the Word of God and is able to point me to Jesus as we share our joys and sorrows. My father-in-law once said that you are blessed if you have one true friend. Yes…I am truly blessed! (Already subscribed)

  69. Juliana says:

    I really needed to hear this. I just was hurt by a friend and this article deals with everything I’m feeling. I need to let go of my pride and forgive her. We have such a good relationship. Thank you.

  70. This rings true. Just yesterday, I unfriended a friend of 2 1/2 yrs. I never told her why and I blocked her. I didn’t feel the need to owe her an explanation. It was a giver relationship. I was the giver and she was the taker. I have prayed how to deal with this. And granted, it was not the most mature way to handle it. But I knew a confrontation would be ugly and I just didn’t want to deal with it. She has not spoken to me in a month. That is not why I unfriended her. I have always been there for her. Always bending over backwards for her and she wouldn’t give any effort back. Maybe I expected too much. In the month that she hasn’t spoken to me, it forced me to re-evaluate our friendship and I looked at the red flags that I let go. I saw that she was a drain to me. Not a fountain. The bad part is we are part of a group and our mutual friend is someone she has been best friends with for over 13 yrs. I’m afraid I will lose this friend over this. But…I have prayed. I even considered writing her an email, but never sent it. I pray every night…God, show me what to do. Give me peace. I was going to consider keeping her on Facebook, as annoying as that would be. She is getting married soon and I don’t really approve of the relationship. So, since I am not that close to him, I deleted her fiancee from Facebook. The next day I see her post a status that says: “If you don’t approve of me and my choices, do me a favor and delete me.” So I basically did. I was wanting to and I felt that was directed at me anyway. So…I still pray for her. But I choose to no longer let her be a part of my life. She is not the friend I wish to keep.

    • Kristen says:

      Hi M,

      I am going through something similar. I asked my mom for advice on this, as I don’t have many friends, and she suggested I block her. I’m just worried I will run into her (small town) or something and it will be ugly. Have things improved for you?

  71. Vickie Wilkins says:

    Please send me Scriptures! I have a “friend” that keeps letting me down,changing plans last minute& just basically hurting my feelings. This happened several times during our friendship. My family is tired of seeing me get hurt. This person will behave like nothing is wrong & will throw out there, I’m sorry.I just need time know what God would tell me what I should do with this! Thank you!

  72. Anyone! I’m a straight man that has unfriended a buddy because I finally had enough of his lies and excuses about doing anything other than what he wants. I do everything he wants, he has never done one thing I want. Not one! I called him out on it a number of times, covered all my basis so to speak. Each time I did he called me a “little bitch” and was quick to turn it back on me. No man wants to be called that. Is it weird for a man to care and say something about it? The way I’m reading what you have to say is except what they have to offer and be thankful. I look at as don’t lose a friend in me that has the means to help you anytime. Has again and again. Will again and again. Let me know.

  73. Not on face book. Real life. Friends for 34 years, 42 now.

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  75. Kristen says:

    I have struggled with this today. I had a friend at my former job who is not saved, and in fact insults my faith on a regular basis. I tried to stick it out and be a good friend to her, as an example that not “all Christians are self-righteous and ignorant, only caring for themselves”. After I left the job, she still would call me and text me, complaining about the other co-workers and confronting me on my decision to leave the job, and how I let everyone down. I felt so tempted to “lie just to satisfy her”, and finally I just started ignoring her. After we would speak, I would feel awful for telling lies and listening to her gossip. I deactivated my Facebook account to avoid her, and blocked her phone number from mine. My question is, was this the right thing to do? Or should I just put up with the abuse?

  76. Alisha West says:

    I unfriended a fellow christian on Facebook who posted dramatic and negative comments towards other people. I will not tolerate another christian stirring up strife. I love everyone but we should not tolerate or put up with people who continually mistreating others and stirring up drama. We are called to be Christlike not childlike.

  77. wow…I just ended my friendship/ sisterhood with my closest sister….we been friends for 2 years now but we been through alotttt…..but she is miles away and we got into argument over a text and as time it just got worst and worst and rather than your story of simply lying or one action it was lot more complex…and I realized I had lot of things that I did not express to her and it alll errupted all today while she was in funeral of her church member, all through text..I didnt want to give in and I still dont being honest, I know I have to but I want her to apology first, for I feel that she always wants me to give in first. I think we have so much pride in our heart we dont want to give in first and I feel that as of right now, she doesnt even care shes the first one who blocked me off the message and I blocked her on the social network….I think this really is end of our friendship.

  78. Graham Cooke (@Brilliant Perspectives) is helping me see every problem, even betrayal of a close friend, as an opportunity to experience God in a new way. We contain the Holy Spirit who is able to forgive everyone, even me. The Holy Spirit can be JESUS through us to everyone in our lives. I have experienced the Judas kiss of a close friend who lied, forged, stole & then deceived one of our children. I’m talking about real, hard stuff impossible for me to carry much less forgive. I not only pray for her, I want the best for her. Now that’s a miracle!

  79. I loved this quotation and your story about your friendship. I myself have had a severe car accident; I had a broken back bone, eight broken ribs, a pneumatorax, my clavicule was broken in two places, my hand was broken, my scull has a dent (I hope this is good English), a twisted ankle tornement, peritoneum was torn, internal bleedings, the list goes on and on… When I was in hospital and phoned someone I thought was near to me, my cousin, she told me she didn’t have time because she was going to a party. That hurt me so much, I felt left alone, abandoned, not important enough to her, angry and I left the situation as it was for a few months. I had some recovering to do anyway…
    Later my cousin send me a txt saying she was sorry she left me alone in that situation. I took two days and then picked up the Phone and called her. I told her all the feelings I felt; abondenment, anger, hurt, and cried while we were talking. I told her I wanted to finish our relation because I couldn’t deal with her reaction and my own feelings, but at the same time still loved her and asked her if she understood what I meant? She was so hurt also, she cried and told me she was disappointed with her own behaviour, that she completely would understand if I would end our relationship, and she also told me that she felt that it was so wrong what she did and asked if I could forgive her.
    I believe that by opening up, by actually expressing my hurt, my pain, my anger I gained more for both of us then if I would have just let her go. By taking time before I reacted, by sharing my emotions and by showing them as well, I think we came to talk about things, a pattern of behaviour, that are very common in our family. We all find it difficult to deal with emotional stress and we have gotten that example from our mothers.
    I think that what I am trying to say, even though English is not my mother tongue, is that sometimes it is worth it to try something new, to use your common sense, to not stay away from your emotions but to share them. I am not trying to lecture anyone, this is what truly happened to me and I am still glad I didn’t break our bond. We now talk almost everyday, we both gained from what happened. Not because I neglected my own feelings and emotions, but by acknowledging them and sharing them. The common sense was basically asking myself what I wanted, did I really wanted to lose someone I loved? Or did I want her to recognize my pain? What did I need to do to achieve that?

  80. Lindsay says:

    My very best friend stopped talking to me out of the blue after her birthday. I have sent her messages asking her what’s wrong, if she’s okay was there something I did. No response. I have also called her with the same results-no response. However, through mutual friends I was told she had been talking negatively about me, referencing that she is walking away from friends that she feels aren’t “good for her”. I have kept my cool, but my patients are running out. Referencing to your social media post about pressing “unfriend” has crossed my mind many times. She’s talking negatively about me to mutual friends which only makes me furious. At this stage perhaps it’s me that should be walking away from her. I am very upset that our friendship isn’t worth 10 minutes of her time to speak directly to me. Any other tips? I know that God shuts doors for reasons, in the long run are saving us from, or for someone that will value my friendship. This may be a door that no man can reopen. At the very least I think I deserve to know why. Any advice?

  81. Geneva Chris says:

    I celebrated my fourth year Marriage anniversary yesterday, i can remember it was Priest Ajigar that help me. We broke up when we were dating few years back and i tried all ways to get him back to me but nothing work and after trying all means i had to sick for the help of Priest Ajigar because i heard and saw so many testimonies about him on a blog site, i had to consult him for help too and he brought him back to me in just 4 days after the counsel, prayers and spell was done in his temple he was back to me and we got married after 3 months. Yesterday we celebrated our 4th year marriage anniversary , we have been living together as husband and wife after Priest Ajigar brought him back to me, we are still living together peaceful till date and we have a boy. Here is his email(priestajigarspells @ live . com) if you want to contact him concerning your relationship problem. I’m so very happy and i just want you all to know that he is very powerful and can change your situation. My name is Kristen from the United state

  82. Sandra Rivas says:

    Sinning against another and then blaming the the victim is not Godly but it is Victim Blaming. Which is very popular in the world. I don’t believe that God wants his people in situation as these to go back before seeing changes if not they will do it to the victim again. Forgive for yourself but if you don’t see changes don’t go back if not they will lie about you to others again or lie to you. It all depends on the degree of sin.

  83. Sandra Rivas says:

    Sinning against another and then blaming the the victim is not Godly but it is Victim Blaming. Which is very popular in the world. I don’t believe that God wants his people in situation as these to go back before seeing changes if not they will do it to the victim again. Forgive for yourself but if you don’t see changes don’t go back if not they will lie about you to others again or lie to you. It all depends on the degree of the sin.

  84. Jessica Chastain says:

    Dr.Mack did some work for me about 3 weeks ago and I just wanted to let you all know that the results are really starting to happen! My ex and I ran into each other at shopping mall! It was totally unexpected. He seemed a little nervous at first, but then we actually got to talking. Later that night he ended up apologizing to me for everything! And I mean EVERYTHING!:) I am still surprised,. We are back together and stronger than before, I am more than grateful to dr_mack@yahoo. com for everything that he’ ve done for me for restoring my relationship!

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