"Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:31,32 (NLT)

Remember as a child how you hoped for that one special Christmas present? Maybe after opening some great presents, but not the just-right one, you felt a little tug on your heart as you wondered if you were going to get that present.

Me too. Just as it seemed all the presents had been opened, my parents brought out one final box. I grabbed it with eagerness. The lavish wrapping and the sounds I heard while shaking the box confirmed this had to be the one. I ripped off the paper, dug into the box, and pulled out…a very nice sweater, not the just-right Christmas gift. I smiled and said thank you, but could barely hide my disappointment.

I've noticed how my expectations of my husband can often be like my expectations over the just-right Christmas present. I think that's true for a lot of us. Just like we admired the beautiful holiday wrapping, we admire our husband's handsome exterior. We've checked him out enough to be sure that he'll be the one to make us happy. Certainly he's the just-right husband! When the gift of our husband turns out to be not just-right, not just what we expected, we can barely hide our disappointment. We turn to unhelpful coping mechanisms to deal with our disappointment.

We might try to control and manipulate our husband to become the just-right gift we hoped for. Maybe we become critical and judgmental. Or maybe we just give up, withdraw, and settle for an empty marriage. Worse yet, perhaps we grow convinced we married the wrong person.

These ways of coping will not give us the marriage God longs for us to have, a marriage of intimacy, partnership and closeness like no other. In fact, they do just the opposite. Bitterness, frustration and anger take root in our heart. Consequently, instead of feeling united and close to our husband, we experience distance and disconnection.

So what's a girl to do when she's feeling like she got the not-just-right husband? How can she handle expectations and disappointments in marriage?

We lay them down. We open our hands and release our husband from the tight grip of our expectations. We pray with honesty, "Lord, I am feeling disappointed by my husband. Help me handle this in a way that will be best for our marriage and in way that will please You."

As we seek the Lord with an open heart, He'll show us when to talk to our husband about a disappointing situation, or when to be quiet. He'll mold our heart, so we can pour out His love and acceptance to our husband.

Now, if you're like me, sometimes you think, But wait a minute! My husband really does need to change…he should be more attentive, he should help out more, he should have remembered my birthday. I don't want to live with these disappointments!

Maybe our husband should change, and maybe he will. I can promise you, however, that the Holy Spirit can do a greater work of transformation in our husband than we ever could as his wife.

This Christmas give your husband the gift of releasing him from your expectations. Give yourself the gift of a contented heart in your marriage. And give God thanks for your husband … His just-right Christmas present to you.

Dear Lord, I release my husband and my marriage from all of my expectations. As I pray with an open heart and open hands, Lord, I thank You for the gift of my husband. Help me to view him as You do, as the just-right husband for me. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

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Related Resources:

Visit Melanie’s blog – What Matters Most for more marriage encouragement!

What a Husband Needs from His Wife by Melanie Chitwood

The Love Dare by Stephen and Alex Kendrick

For more marriage tips read Attack of the Killer Weeds

Application Steps:

Ask God in prayer to reveal all the expectations you have of your husband. Ask Him to reveal any disappointments you have in your marriage.

When you pray today's prayer, open your hands and imagine offering your expectations and/or disappointments to the Lord.

Take a step in love toward your husband: embrace him with a big hug or kiss when he comes home. Tell him you're so glad you married him. Many husbands will agree that the most loving thing you can do is spend a romantic evening in the bedroom.

Reflections:

What expectations do you have of your husband? Your marriage?

How do you handle your disappointments in marriage?

Power Verses:

1 Corinthians 13:5, Love "does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered." (NASB)

Philippians 4:11, "…I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances." (NASB)

© 2009 by Melanie Chitwood. All rights reserved.